I'm sure most of you have seen this before and I know this is long as all hell, but @#%$ this stuff makes everybody laugh!
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When Vin Diesel drinks beer, everyone around him gets drunk.
The French don't have a word for Vin Diesel. They wanted one, but he didn't let them.
Vin Diesel is the real Slim Shady.
Vin Diesel invented the spoon but then was so enraged by it that he invented both the fork and the spork to destroy all spoons ever.
Vin Diesel spent a good three years after college as Ving Rhames' penis.
Vin Diesel plays "The King" in Burger King's Wake Up With The King TV commercials. He is paid in Angus beef.
Vin Diesel was on pace to win the 1994 World Series, but the lockout stopped him. He played every position, and was the only batter on his team, The Dieselin' Dashers. MLB allowed this because he hit only homeruns, and there was no need for another batter. His bat was hand crafted by Apollo, made from the skulls of Samurai who committed seppeku out of HONOR in being the bat Vin Diesel would use. He used the tears of sea-nymphs infused with the blood of Dracula for pine tar.
Bruce Campbell is the only being in our dimension capable of killing Vin Diesel, but the vacuum left by his absence would collapse the universe. To this day, the actors refuse to be wthin a thousand miles of eachother's presence.
Vin Diesel can walk on water, not because he is Jesus, but because the normal force as described by Newton in his modern laws of physics does not apply to him.
Vin Diesel cannot look up.
If you use a computer to take a 3-dimensional topographical layout of Vin Diesel's body, then divide every coordinate on the graph by pi, the outcoming number will cause the computer to become self-aware.
Vin Diesel lives at the north pole of Dagobah.
Vin Diesel hates to be called "Vinny D," and will forcefully remove the pancreas of anyone who attempts to.
Vin Diesel is the reincarnated spirit of Bluebeard.
If you haven't seen Alien vs. Predator yet, don't bother, Vin Diesel wins.
Zeus got the idea for turning into a swan and impregnating women after watching Vin Diesel do precisely that while out drinking with Bacchus.
Vin Diesel owns the last living unicorn, who he named Jake in honor of Jake "The Snake" Roberts.
Vin Diesel's urine is bottled and marketed under the brand name Pepsi.
Every dollar Vin Diesel makes goes to setting up lavish expeditions where he kills a rare or legendary creature. As a followup to this Vin Diesel used to bathe in unicorn blood, but no longer needs to bathe as he has transcended beyond the mortal world's filth.
Vin Diesel was born during the 13th minute of the thirteenth hour of the thirteenth day of the thirteenth month in 13 BC.
Vin Diesel often travels to the center of the earth in order to heat up his breakfast burritos.
He eats his weight in alfalfa every day.
Vin Diesel's toenail clippings are worth up to 29'000 gallons of virginial blood on the black market.
Vin Diesel has recently been reported to be the prime suspect in the murders of Frank Purdue, The Pope and Mitch Hedberg
Contrary to popular belief, it was in fact Vin Diesel who invented the internet. Al Gore stole the designs when Vin fell asleep at his keyboard.
When Vin Diesel dies, he will return to the life stream and stop Meteor.
In the book "Do androids Dream of Electric Sheep" by Phillip K. Dick, the Nexus 6 model is based on Vin Diesel. The book itself is based loosely on his romp through Tokyo during 1957.
Vin Diesel's semen is so corrosive that if he were ever to ejaculate it would tear apart the very fabric of the universe.
Vin Diesel needed glasses but then he channeled the long dormant spirit of John Stamos's acting career and the concentrated energy alone was enough to perform the necessary eye surgery and twice bake a Hot Pocket the size of a Buick LeSabre.
Swollen and alone after another stateside bout' with 'laria from the "skeeters in 'Nam", Vin swore off testicular manipulation as an interrogation tool and never again acknowledged Jon Voight as an accomplished actor.
Vin Diesel took a shot at Pope John Paul II.
Vin Diesel thinks in Morse code.
Vin Diesel is actually Primus in another continuum.
A diamond may say you love her, but a Vin Diesel is forever.
Vin Diesel regularly outruns the 8:15 pm train from Sacramento to Los Angeles whilst juggling three dumpsters.
The U.S. actually dropped Vin Diesel onto Hiroshima, and that one can speak for itself.
Vin Diesel has submitted most of the facts you've read.
Vin Diesel invented Irish dancing during the brief period when it was his fetish to staple women's arms to their torsos during sex.
Vin Diesel likes to take the form of Catholic priests as a hobby in order to antagonize god for being a too much of a @#%$ to play him in a game of Scrabble.
Vin Diesel is so tall that his field of vision goes all the way around the world, and he can see his own ass.
Vin Diesel invented the Bessemer Steel process, the Pullman car, and the cotton gin.
You will not read this fact....JACKASS!!
Vin Diesel's one true love is Bea Arthur.
Vin Diesel has an unspoken, telepathic bond with both Cuban dictator Fidel Castro and Wheel of Fortune host Pat Sajak.
Van Diesel could touch type at the age of 3 and by the age of 5 was managing a successful secretarial agency.
Most people don't know this, but the bible actually ends with Vin Diesel showing up at the crucifixion with a pair of Uzi's and kicking some Roman ass. Vin Diesel was all like, "Jesus, I totally saved you." Then, off on the horizon, a bunch of Romans show up riding dinosaurs led by Mecha Pontious Pilate. Jesus busts out this sweet ninja sword and says, "Now it's my turn to save you." Then Jesus and Vin Diesel run towards the Romans in slow motion. That's how the bible ends. It's a cliff-hanger. I can't wait for the sequel, "The Bible 2: Water...Into Blood".
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around...Vin still hears it.
Aliens sent the Y2K bug to kill Vin Diesel. Vin Diesel answered by having sex with Kirsten Dunst and Billie Joe Armstrong of Green Day.
When Vin Diesel traveled through time to the year 3010, he fought the evil robot king and saved the human race again.
Vin Diesel created rainbows to distract people before he punches them in the teeth. According to him, it worked on Mother Theresa.
Vin Diesel refuses to eat butter substitute because "he can't belive it".
Vin Diesel never sleeps, he only switches to the other "half" of his brain every twelve hours.
The Inuit tribe of North America has 37 words for Vin Diesel.
Vin Diesel is a division of Time Warner.
He dislikes peanuts and butter, but loves peanut butter.
Vin Diesel knows where the beef is.
Vin Diesel could never get the hang of Thursdays either.
Vin Diesel is actually an ancient red dragon in human form.
Vin Diesel's mournful call is often mistaken for that of the Loon.
Vin Diesel is technically considered an endangered species, though by choice.
Vin Diesel is the only person alive who can understand R2-D2. They have conversations daily.
Vin Diesel Thinks in six dimensions
The "skidda-marinky-dinky-dink" song from "The Elephant Show" was penned by Vin Diesel. He gave it to Sharon, Lois and Bram in return for allowing him to play The Elephant.
He won a Quake3 tournament at QuakeCon even though he was playing Counter-Strike.
Vin Diesel can see in the dark, but only by making a high pitched squeal, and feeling the vibrations of it reflecting off of other surface, like bats.
Vin Diesel attributes his popularity to the fact that he is a cunning linguist.
Vin Diesel invented Al Gore.
Vin Diesel is the most powerful wizard known to man, but can be defeated by flushing him down the toilet.
Vin Diesel wrote How to Cook an Omelet Using only the Power of Your Mind which resulted in the deaths of thirteen people in Plano, Texas.
His teeth are each separate, intelligent beings.
Vin Diesel once ate Gwen Stefani with some fava beans and a nice Chianti. He then threw her back up into a bowl made of silver and moonlight. The song "Hollaback Girl" is about her experiences in his digestive tract.
The word "hello" is a dreadful insult in Vin Diesel's native language, to which he always responds with "hi", another terrible insult. During these exchanges, the unsuspecting interlocutors mistake the burning hatred in Diesel's eyes for attentiveness.
Vin Diesel firmly believes that breast cancer can be cured by a vigorous massage.
Vin Diesel has an elevator to Hell in his house, so he can visit his girlfriend Marilyn Monroe.
Vin Diesel once used a 3 year old child as a baseball bat during softball practice. That child was Bjork.
He teaches a Freshman English class on the weekends, despite the fact his students shouldn't even be in school on those days.
Vin Diesel dissolved the infamous Star Chamber court in 1641 because he disagreed with its use as a political weapon for bringing actions against opponents to the decrees and edicts of Henry VIII.
All roads lead to Vin Diesel.
While Wolverine's bones are laced with Adamantium, Vin Diesel's bones are laced with 80's pop star Adam Ant.
Vin Diesel created time, then subsequently traveled back in time using a modified Delorian with a flux capacitor. Vin Diesel then punched Michael J Fox so hard that he ceased to exist.
Bon Jovi once constructed a revolving stage out of Vin Diesel and took it on a world tour.
5 x 5 = Vin Diesel
Vin Diesel slept with Dolly Parton, but couldn't find the right hole. Turns out that she was a man.
He was once mugged by a gang, but he hissed at them like a Cat and they turned to stone, they are still there to this day
Vin Diesel can simply walk into Mordor.
The Hulk is really just Vin Diesel painted green.
Vin Diesel routed packets on the early ARPANET by hand.
Shooting on xXx had to stop for two weeks as Vin Diesel was called in by NASA to help realign the Earths orbit.
Vin Diesel can solve a Rubik's Cube in one move.
Vin invented Spandex solely for the purpose of giving the technology to superheroes, when Nike heard this they sent in a team of commandos to steal the technology and then kill Vin. Vin killed them all except for one, the man who escaped with the formula for spandex. That man is Danny Devito.
Vin Diesel is the ghost author for "The Elements of Style"
Vin Diesel is the benevolent ruler of the sun, but doesn't tell anyone cause he just "wants to be a regular guy".
It may look like Vin Diesel drives an SUV around town, but what he is really driving is an intergalactic space ship from a planet with a name so complicated that the first syllable of it would collapse our ear drums and make our brain shut down for 45 days.
Vin Diesel's flatulence was the basis for the tones used to communicate with the aliens in Close Encounters Of The Third Kind.
Vin Diesel is losing a war with the Planet Vortex. He has escaped into the past with his technology.
Vin Diesel doesn't have bowels. They've been replaced by an electron-pump system that provides him with constant energy and bombards those around him with low-grade radiation.
Vin Diesel has been in every ska band ever, but has never sang a note or played an instrument. As an addendum, Vin Diesel's singing voice can cloud the minds and hearts of the wicked. The pure and good will hear nothing.
Vin Diesel can divide by zero.
Vin Diesel ripped out of all Charlie Brown's hair but left a single strand to remind him one day he'd come back to eat him.
Created the moon landing as an experiment to boost his ego
Vin Diesel was the archer who shot Achilles' heel.
Vin Diesel is neither right or left handed, but middle.
No Doubtâs âJust a Girlâ? is loosely based on Vin Dieselâs career as a girl.
Vin Diesel invented fire when he farted in front of a group of cavemen and one of them was sitting too close.
If you go into a dark a room and repeat "Vin Diesel" three times, he will appear with several ewoks and proceed to make fun of you until you die, proving once and for all that words alone, not just sticks and stones, can kill you.
The historical figure of "Jesus Christ" is based off of Vin Diesel's adventures in Western Mongolia around 5,000 B.C.
The crater in the Yucatan Penninsula was created when Vin Diesel's spaceship ran out of fuel and crashed into the face of the earth.
Laid end to end all the people Vin Diesel has ever and will ever kick the asses of would form an unbroken chain stretching to Saturn nine times.
Vin Diesel can biodegrade Styrofoam.
Vin Diesel is Spartacus.
Vin Diesel's skull is actually made of the powder of ground up bones from the Jabberwock.
Vin Diesel once dated Angela Lansbury.
They say all of the music on The Postal Service's hit CD "Give Up" is electronic. It was recently proven that that's a boldfaced lie. Vin Diesel made all of those sounds with his very own mouth.
Vin Diesel was the third person to undergo the "EZ Flow Elbow" operation. Vin will not be shown up by that punk bitch Bruce Willis, but he is chill with Romulux.
Vin Diesel invented consequences.
Vin Diesel once fixed Stephen Hawking's body. Then Hawking tried to take over the world but Vin Diesel broke Hawking's body again after defeating him in Scrabble.
Vin Diesel invented nuclear war as a challenge.
Vin Diesel was the mystery shooter of Nice Guy Eddie Cabot.
Vin Diesel touches himself at night.
Vin Diesel sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.
Vin Diesel created a speed run video for Donkey Kong Country 2, but it was removed from archive.org after it was rumored that he used savestates.Vin Diesel is broadcasting an IP address.
Vin Diesel is Jerry Orbach.
Vin Diesel was the only Spartan to survive the Battle of Thermopylae; although he tried to take his own life after his comrades had fallen, he was stopped by the god Odin in order so that, as the god told him, he would "break the seventh seal." This was done four years ago.
Vin Diesel invented toilet paper, before he did everyone wiped their ass with old hair obtained from barber shops. Hence the rise of hair stylists and the fall of barbers.
Vin Diesel has a summer house on the sun.
Vin Diesel worships Poseidon, and makes no secret of that fact while attending Catholic mass.
Vin Diesel poured liquid nitrogen into raw sewage to create "Vin Diesel's Chocolate Ice Cream Extravaganza".
Vin Diesel can roll a 25.7 on a 20-sided die, but chooses not to in order to keep things fair.
Vin always forgets to put the new cover sheets on his TPS reports.
Jim Croce's hit song "Don't mess around with Jim", was originally titled, "Holy @#%$, its Vin Deisel!".
While in the Arabian Desert, Vin Diesel came upon a Genie. When he heard that he was only allowed three wishes, Vin Diesel kicked the Genie in the groin and swallowed the lamp.
Vin Diesel inhales oxygen and exhales black holes.
The character Boo Radley from "To Kill a Mockingbird" is based on Vin Diesel.
Vin Diesel left the Fast and the Furious franchise when producers refused to film parts 2 through 11 back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-back.
Vin Diesel originally made the cinematic masterpiece 'The Wizard of Oz' all by himself, playing every single character. But right before it was released the Screen Actors Guild called foul play and it was re-shot starring Judy Garland. Vin later had a brief affair with Toto. Vin broke it off because of Toto's drinking problem.
Vin Diesel pays a homeless man to shovel hundred dollar bills into a furnace for him.
Vin Diesel tastes like chicken, reported Michael Moore after getting a small bite from Vin's left forearm. Moore gained 120 pounds in the following days, but he remembers those days as the greatest days in his life.
When in second grade, Vin Diesel was asked to draw a picture of nature. Just as he finished, Van Gogh ran in, swiped it off his desk, and named it Starry Night Over the Rhone.
Vin Diesel speaks fluent Korean and lulls North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il to sleep every fortnight.
Vin Diesel breeds Tamagochi's for the rich as a second job.
Vin diesel can communicate with dolphins.
Vin Diesel was recently discovered to be an additional step in the process of precipitation.
Invented the post-it note but gave the credit to 3M.
Vin Diesel defeated Neo-Hitler and Neo-Stalin in an epic contest of strength. Their fight destroyed three planets and extended Vin Diesel's penis length at least three inches.
Vin Diesel ended World War II by calling Hitler in his bunker and demanding that he kill himself.
Vin Diesel once performed a one-man show version of the Mortal Kombat movie.
Vin Diesel cannot hear the word Onomatopoeia uttered in his presence. If it is he will stamp his foot three times and then dissolve into a pool of locusts that will devour New Hampshire.
Vin Diesel likes to wear PVC because it wipes down easy.
The original title for Denis Leary's video was "No cure for Vin Diesel".
Rather than walk, Vin Diesel has tiny bugs under his feet carry him around.
Vin Diesel is actually an Indonesian apparition associated with crimson sunsets which upon death, doubles itsself.
Contrary to popular belief Kevin Spacey is not Keyser Soze, Vin Diesel is.
When God said, "Let there be light," Vin Diesel flipped the switch.
Likes big butts, but has been known to lie.
Vin Diesel does not reflect light...he projects it.
Vin Diesel was really inside Deep Blue while playing against Gary Kasparov.
If one attempts to calculate the awesomeness factor of Vin Diesel, cubed by the awesomeness of a badger divided by the awesomeness of ninja-pirates, one has the basis for the weapon that destroys the universe.
The character of the professional wrestler "Hulk Hogan" is loosely based on Vin Diesel's career in the military during the Civil War.
Vin Diesel can blink the alphabet in morse code.
Vin Diesel has been the writer for Wheel of Fortune for 32 years.
Vin Diesel once used Gary Coleman as a hand puppet. Coleman said the experience changed his life and led him to give up smoking.
Vin Diesel blew up the Hindenburg because he hates fat people.
Sound recording devices encounter some kind of interference when Vin Diesel is distressed. Specialists have isolated some of these sounds and say they are like leathery wings flapping.
Vin Diesel is a son of a bitch- literally. He was born between an unholy mating of Zeus and a wolf bitch, brought up with six wolf brothers, and consumed them and his mother in order to survive a frigid Grecian winter. He later formed Rome with the help of his cousins, Romulus and Remus.
Vin Diesel taught Yoda the ways of the force.
Vin Diesel is better shaken...not stirred.
Also, Vin Diesel got the Beatles back together for a one time special only appearance for Elvis' 75th birthday. All The Beatles. Even John. And Elivis loved it.
Vin Diesel exists slightly out of phase with the rest of our reality, which is why he appears to shimmer with an otherworldly light.
Vin Diesel can suck the insides out of a Malteaser without breaking the chocolate. He once tried to recreate this trick with an egg. Four people were killed, another two blinded.
Vin Diesel likes the taste of @#%$. He says it reminds him of Vietnam.
Saying the words "MOLAKUM, VORADEUS, GLORKANO!" will turn his skin bright green for 20 minutes. You can do this up to 6 times a day.
Vin Diesel doesn't actually have bones or internal organs. Underneath his skin is another slightly smaller Vin Diesel and underneath that is yet another even smaller Vin Diesel. After the third layer his body is filled with rich, creamy nougat.
Vin Diesel invented the "Vin Diesel Burn-Them-Motherfuckers Grill". It barely sold anything and was quickly taken off of the market. Three weeks later George Foreman copied the same design and made millions off of it.
Vin created 24 hour days because he didn't feel like working more thatn 8 hours at a time.
Vin Diesel was heavily into analogous at one time, but gave it up after finding there was too much brown nosing in the scene
Vin Diesel's scalp is made of an unknown radioactive substance.
âHaloâ? chronicles Vin Dieselâs epic struggle against the little fish that swam up his urethra while in Guatemala.
Vin Diesel is a cool dude.
Vin Diesel is the sole surviving Spartan of Thermopylae
Vin Diesel was the basis for the character of Rum Tum Tugger in Andrew Lloyd Webber's CATS.
Vin Diesel does not own a washer or dryer, but rather swallows his laundry load, and chases it with detergent. Then, he shits clean clothes, and burps bubbles.
Vin Diesel wrote all of Iggy Pop's songs and gave him tips on stage presence.
The integral of ln |x| is Vin Diesel.
Vin Diesel has donated more than $250k over the years to Varg Vikernes' legal defense fund
He is the reigning honeydew melon eating king of Akron.
Vin Diesel is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
Vin Diesel knows how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop, but he wont tell anyone.
Vin Diesel is responsible for the rise and fall of every great civilization.
Vin Diesel can reverse any combustion reaction by giving it the finger.
His name translated into Hebrew is "Huzzah"
Vin Diesel does backup vocals on Peter Gabrielâs âIn Your Eyes.â? This concerned Cameron Crowe and caused him to cast John Cusack over Vin Diesel for the Lloyd Dobler role in âSay Anything.â? An oversight Vin Diesel considers, âsome real bullshit.â?
All of the socks you lose in the washing machine rest soundly on Vin Diesel's mantle.
You think you know Vin Diesel, but you have no idea.
Vin Diesel conceded the first U.S. presidentioal election to George Washington.
Vin Diesel was a POW in Vietnam. He was rescued by Chuck Norris. Norris taught him karate.
On the day they stole his hat, Vin Diesel put a jihad on them, and if you dont like it, he'll put a jihad on you too.
An advanced alien race once created a computer that successfully explained the meaning of life; however, the alien race, their planet, and practically everything else ever to come in contact with them was immediately obliterated when they asked for an explanation of Vin Diesel.
Vin Diesel can deflect bullets with his assbuns.
Vin Diesel found himself when he ran the Seti@home program, but covered it up to prevent mass chaos.
The movie Volcano starring Tommy Lee Jones was based loosely on the first and last time Vin Diesel tried lighting a fart.
Vin Diesel built a satellite from old tin cans and silly putty so that he could get better TV reception at his secret island lair.
Vin Diesel's right eye is in fact the Sun. Every time he blinks it causes an total solar eclipse. Luckily he only fully blinks ten times per millennium
Wrestles himself when no one is looking.
He has a drawer which contains only small green lipsticks that turn pink with body heat. This drawer is lined with pictures of Casper Van Dien.
Vin Diesel chiseled Mt. Rushmore out of the mountainside with his teeth, and then used the rubble to construct half of St. Louis.
Vin Diesel sank the Bismarck by doing that feigned slap thing the Fonz did.
The greatest trick Vin Diesel ever pulled was to convince the world the devil didn't exist.
Vin Diesel created oxygen by squeezing water really hard.
Vin Diesel likes to compare himself to a little beetle. 'I am less shiny than you, beetle. But I am much bigger.'
Contrary to popular belief, Vin Diesel is the âreal San Francisco treat.â?
Is the actual creator of Calvin and Hobbes. He is secretly going around the country at night dressed as a ninja killing anyone who has one of those "peeing Calvin" stickers on their car.
He can divide eight-digit numbers in his head but cannot add; this is why he commonly wears shirts with addition tables printed on them.
The leg lamp in "A Christmas Story" was Vin Diesel's idea. In fact, that's Vin Diesel's leg.
If the words "Autobots Transform!" are ever spoken in Vin Diesel's presence, his body will fold in and out of itself, forming a 1998 Dodge Neon. If he hears the words "Deceptacons Attack!", he emits an atomic blast out of his urethra.
The universe was created when Vin Diesel punched god in the face. This event was later named the big bang theory.
Vin Diesel wrote in his book that the CIA is tracking him via an implant in his stomach. Vin Diesel has never written a book.
Vin Diesel provides the voice for every character in The Simpsons.
Vin Diesel is being considered by the Cardinals as a new pope.
Vin Diesel thinks in binary coded decimal. This explains his intimate relationship with all Sesame Street characters.
Vin Diesel once bred a pug and a monkey. The result was Clint Eastwood.
The Jews were right, Vin Diesel is the Messiah.
He refuses to eat mushrooms because they are like brothers to him. If you eat a mushroom in his presence he will stare coldly at you all night.
His real name is Mortimer Quincy Meriwether, Jr.
Vin Diesel is in reality a giant android controlled by The Jamaican government.
Vin Diesel reaches terminal velocity at 30 miles per hour upon falling, thus ensuring his survival from any height.
When not acting, Vin Diesel follows his true passion: directing Bollywood musicals. He has directed 238 to date and is highly respected for his lilting tenor voice that can be heard many times in these movies.
Vin Diesel eats coal, shits diamonds, and then sells the diamonds to buy more coal.
Vin Diesel use time travel to go back in time and led the Huns to victory against Mulan and her lesbian lover Margaret Thatcher.
Vin Diesel once shot a man in Reno just to watch him die. Then he re-animated that man as a zombie, challenged him to a game of horseshoes, and totally kicked his ass.
Single-handedly took down an entire group of ninjas by shouting his name.
Vin Diesel doesn't know what a hamburger is.
Vin Diesel created the periodic table because he named random stuff that he found on the bottom of his shoe.
Vin Diesel works for the French government as a model for the socialized hat industry.
44% of the populace have had dreams featuring Vin Diesel playing either Golf, Tennis or Cricket.
Vin Diesel broke up the Beatles
The meaning of life is not in fact 42 but ... Vin Diesel.
Vin Diesel built the entire continent of Atlantis out of Laffy Taffy, some snap bracelets, and a bedazzler.
Vin Diesel will lactate two by fours on request, and can pump a small cottage out of his chest if you offer him a silver dollar.
Vin Diesel began as a prototype for the Stealth Bomber, but became self-aware and escaped government control.
In 1913 Vin Diesel beat Charlie Chaplin in a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest. When confronted by a confused Charlie Chaplin, Vin Diesel just smiled and said "better luck next time." For the next 5 years he rocked a Charlie Chaplin mustache completely out of respect for him.
Vin Diesel spelled backward and upside down is the actual name of God. If uttered aloud, it would undo the very fabric of reality.
Vin Diesel's right femur is made of Tootsie Rolls.
Vin Diesel owns three Starbucks franchises.
Vin Diesel's films need to go through a special conversion to appear on television screens; otherwise the television would act as a mirror.
Vin Diesel does not require nutrition like most humans, instead he opts for a type of photosynthesis described in any number of Stephen King books
It's a well-known fact that Vin Diesel plays Dungeons & Dragons, but a lesser-known fact is that he plays D&D with Owen Wilson, Kevin Spacey, and Carrie-Anne Moss. Jeff Goldblum is the Dungeon Master.
To maintain his youthful appearance and robust physique, Vin Diesel drinks a quart of marine varnish every day.
Vin Diesel was behind Franz Ferdinand's assassination in June 1914, thus starting Wolrd War 1. He claims it on "having a shitty morning".
Vin Diesel's mother was a hamster and his father smelled of elderberries.
Vin Diesel watched his parents murdered before his eyes in a back alley in Gotham City. The event stole his childhood and he chose to fight back against those who bring harm to others. Criminals are a cowardly and superstitious lot, so Vin Diesel chose to look like a bat.
Vin Diesel is the only living creature who's proportions do not follow the golden ratio. EDIT: Vin Diesel's taint is actually 1.61803399 times larger than the circumference of his head. You just don't notice his massive taint because it's built in sections and he stores half of it at home on Mount Olympus.
When Vin Diesel accidentally invented cancer, his response was simply, "I've made a huge mistake."
Vin Diesel found Nemo.
Vin Diesel won control of the Universe after defeating God in a ladder match. He gave God control back after a week, but only out of pity... only out of pity.
Vin Diesel actually shot the sheriff and the deputy, he just let Eric Clapton take the blame.
He can juggle ping pong balls using only his body orifices
Ultraviolet light does not reflect off of Vin Diesel, rather it is absorbed and converted to awesome energy.
Vin Diesel was originally born as Sean Connery, but since there can only be one Highlander he instead named himself after Sean's penis.
Vin Diesel is actually Santa Clause's good friend Jesus.
Vin Diesel loves the smell of napalm in the morning. Especially on his Cheerios.
Vin Diesel injected hot solder into his blood stream when auditioning for the role of Wolverine in the movie X-Men.
The clang is actually Lars beating on Vin's left testicle. Would have been the right testicle, but the sound wasn't as resonant.
Vin Diesel's daily alcohol consumption is greater than the amount of sewage in all of Maryland.
Vin Diesel has written every single piece of classic literature published between 1256 and 1895. The original manuscripts, penned with his child-like block letters and stick-figures humping, are in the possession of the Freemasons.
Vin is opposed to the holiday of chanukah. He would end it, but he likes playing with dradles.
Vin Diesel's backhair naturally forms the word "Vanderspawn", a word rumored to represent the antichrist.
During the battle of Ragnarok, Vin Diesel will swallow the moon.
Vin Diesel started the NHL lockout. He will only allow play to resume when Todd Bertuzzi admits that Vin Diesel is the toughest man in Vancouver, disregarding the fact that Vin has never stepped foot into British Columbia.
If you spin his head 4 times counterclockwise a leprechaun is created.
He often walks into children's hospitals dressed as a doctor and tells kids they're going to die. Then he yells "Just kiddin'!" and jumps out the window.
Vin Diesel achieved literary success in the late 1800's after authoring the internationally reknowned narrative of human life during the Napoleonic Wars, War & Peace. What most Vin Diesel fans don't know is that when it was originally printed in the Russian language, the title actually translated to War: What Is It Good For?. It was also published under the pseudonym Leo Tolstoy, but this is common knowledge.
Vin Diesel doesn't have to drink his own urine, but he does because it is sterile and he likes the taste.
Vin Diesel is in constant contact with the leaders of worlds from every corner of the universe. They consider him the leader of Earth. He was awarded Milky Way leader of the year in 1993 in a lavish ceremony.
Vin Diesel kicked the original Gerber baby in the face because he gave him "a look."
Contrary to what historians want you to believe the atomic bombs that were dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki were not actually bombs at all, they were actually Vin Diesel's orgasms. Vin has not had sex since, and may god help us all if he ever does.
Vin Diesel assisted Sir Robert Peel in creating the first police force.
Vin Diesel carries an inhaler the size of a nitrous tank.
Vin Diesel invented the modern toilet.
Vin Diesel is actually an android controlled by a little balding British man named Basil.
Vin Diesel created Canada out of confusion between Europeans and Americans.
Vin Diesel's practice of blapping is not to gain supernatural powers, turns out he's just a bunghole
His father was a school bus.
Vin Diesel's only live action appearance on film was in The Iron Giant. All his other appearances have been simulated by cutting edge computer graphics.
Vin Diesel owns 90% of patents in the USPTO under false names.
Vin Diesel once challenged Shakespeare to a footrace. The outcome? Read the Tempest to find out.
Vin Diesel can run on filtered chip fat
Vin Diesel is so tough, he doesnt have a sleep number.
In various guises, Vin Diesel has won every major event in the Formula 1 calendar for the past six years.
Vin Diesel caused the nuclear explosion at Hiroshima, just by pointing to Japan on a combination globe/pencil sharpener.
In 1972 Vin Diesel was sent to prison by a military court for a crime he didn't commit. He promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground. Today, still wanted by the government, he survives as a soldier of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find him, maybe you can hire.... Vin Diesel.
Fidel Castro has actually been dead for years. Vin Diesel has been impersonating him to ensure the survival of Communism.
Dragon Ball Z is closely based on Vin Diesel's last piano recital.
Vin Diesel once shot a man just to watch him die, but then got distracted and missed it.
In 1996 Vin Diesel won a hotdog eating contest in Decatur, Georgia despite actually being on a fishing boat off Nova Scotia.
Vin Diesel is Latin for "Vin Diesel is God".
Vin Diesel and Mr. Cooper have had a long back-story that was the basis for the movie Eurotrip.
Vin Diesals first time working with Steven Spielberg was not Saving Private Ryan but was infact Jaws. He played the ocean.
Vin Diesel is in fact not Italian or black, but a child of Dagon in a human suit.
When asked how he feels about punching holes in things, Vin Diesel has surprisingly little to say.
Vin Diesel was the 13th Apostle. Rufus was actually the 14th.
Masturbates to Mr. Roger's Neighborhood, but only tells his imaginary friend, Bokolopicous.
At parties, Vin Diesel tells people he is Adam Sandler to pick up chicks.
Every night, Vin Diesel does 700 push ups and punches himself in the face until he passes out.
The song "Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger" by Daft Punk was not inspired by Vin Diesel; rather, the song is sonically composed of little waves of Vin Diesel.
Vin Diesel is a Sans Serif font
Vin Diesel planned out Michael Jordan's entire basketball career on a used napkin from Arby's back in 1989.
Super Bowl XVII was actually a documentary about Vin's search for his real father.
He once killed a man with a rose petal and made Bon Jovi bury him
Star Wars was based on Vin's real life experience in another galaxy. Interestingly there were no Ewoks, droids, starships, jedi, or aliens, but there were lightsabers. Good god were there lightsabers...
In Soviet Russia, Vin Diesel is you.
For the original ending of "XXX," Vin Diesel wanted to stop the terrorists with the help of three former dance hall singers from Belleville.
Vin Diesel has a twin brother named Evil Denis. He is actually quite nice; its just that their parents were fond of anagrams.
Vin Diesel once saw Napoleon Dynamite and merely commented, "I could do everything that kid did but better".
Vin Diesel owns a logging company. His only other employee being a blue ox.
Vin Diesel's a hell of a drug.
Vin Diesel engineered a projection device that allows him to watch all of our lives like a movie, almost how we watch his movies. To him, we are celebrities, and he knows how our story will end. Ask him how yours will end and he will end it FOR YOU.
Vin created belt buckles to prevent his waist from shooting lasers.
Vin Diesel is a popular fragrance of Calvin Klein, used by MI6 secret agents as both irresistable attractant and highly explosive base destroying chemical. It is made from Vin Diesel's farts.
Vin Diesel put the bomp in the bomp bah bomp bah bomp. He however did not put the ram in the rama lama ding dong.
Vin Diesel performed and sang the electronic-sounding music for the movie "Electric Dreams".
The comic book series "Sin City" is an autobiographical account of Vin Diesel's exploits in Overland Park, Kansas.
Due to the favorable exchange rate, a Vin Diesel in the hand is worth about 3.5 in the bush.
Similar to the gecko, Vin Dieselâs head can detach and wriggle to distract predators while he escapes.
He once challenged the bones of Bruce Lee to a fistfight, and lost.
Jesus was baptized by John the Baptist who was first baptized by Vin Diesel. Purposefully holding him underwater, Diesel didn't relent until John acknowledged the suppression of the Sacred Feminine in Hebrew mysticism. He then crashed the Garden of Eden where he ghosted Adam and wore the Serpent as a retro-cool pimp belt. Afterwards, he renamed all the animals species using only anagrams of the letters G, A and R. He later pitched to Jesus a remake of "Guys and Dolls" with the Archangel Michael as Nathan Detroit and Satan as Big Jule. Vin Diesel and Jesus composed the song "Convoy" to pad out the third act.
Vin Diesel single handedly built the pyramids. He isn't vain, so he let the egyptians take the credit.
Vin Diesel has been known to make women have orgasms just by growling at them.
Highly respected film critic Jonathon Rosenbaum believes The Fast and the Furious is the greatest film of the last three decades, and bemoans the public's ignorance in recognising its epic power.
Vin Diesel will kill me in my sleep for my lack of writing ability at creating facts. However, he will make sure that I am awake for the skull @#%$. His company guarantees it, or Vin Diesel will personally restore your soul and re-murder you, free of charge
Stalin and Vin Diesel was once very good friends, but the friendship tragically ended during a dispute over a word in the game scrabble.
Vin Diesel created Furby, Razor scooters, and pogs.
"Vin Diesel" is the second most common name in Hawaii. The most common is "Fromage Ammonia".
Vin Diesel invented Snapple.
Vin Diesel is the owner of the largest Merkin collection in the free world.
His blood is a thick beef gravy.
Contrary to popular belief, Osama bin Laden was captured in late 2002. This occured when Vin Diesel defeated all of al-Qaeda in a series of arm-wrestling contests. To make it fair, Vin was blindfolded.
He doesn't actually walk anywhere, rather his feet hover a millimeter off the ground.
The final digit of Pi is Vin Diesel.
Vin Diesel is an important part of the "carbon cycle"
While back in time, he had sex with a woman for the hell of it. The result was a baby named Marion Michael Morrison.
Vin Diesel had a blood transfusion using synthetic motor oil.
Vin Diesel killed a man in Reno, just to watch him die. Then he resurrected him and said that he was sorry, because Vin Diesel is selfconsciously polite.
Vin Diesel routinely sends nail bombs to the head of the Food and Drug Administration. No one is sure why.
Vin Diesel could eat broken shards of glass for breakfast if he wanted to. However, he doesn't, because he prefers to drink molten lava.
Vin Diesel crossed the Delaware with Washington.
Vin Diesel has a baseball cap made entirely out of ham.
Vin Diesel loves lamp.
I once witnessed Vin Diesel take the life out of a goat utilizing only the enzymes found in seaweed. Following this, Vin skinned the goat, made a hot air balloon out of the skin, ballooned to Sri Lanka, where upon which he made love to the French Presidents wife. After the love making, they feasted on the goat carcass. Vin was still blinded by hunger after the goat, so he ate the Presidents wife as well.
Upon being nailed to a cross, Vin is quoted as saying, "If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you could possibly imagine."
His ribcage is coated in ceramic.
When feeling ill, Vin Diesel has been known to cough up a hunk of kryptonite.
Vin Diesel controls all air traffic via an old SNES Advantage controller.
Vin Diesel is neither heterosexual nor homosexual. He is only sexually attracted to blue light.
Unbeknownst to many, Vin Diesel actually invented walking. "I'm glad it caught on," says the humble star.
Vin Diesel is a material girl. Living in a material world.
The Great Wall of China is the same length as Vin Diesel's penis. It also keeps out Mongolians.
Vin Diesel is actually Luke's father.
Vin Diesel needs no cell phone because he communicates via telepathic progeny. Which also gets good Talk2Talk service.
Vin Diesel was once part of the varangian guard of the Byzantine emperor, but he left to focus on his acting career, causing the fall of Constantinople.
Vin Diesel will be remembered for his valor when the Venusians finally invade the Earth.
Vin Diesel came on Eileen.
The song "Mr. Bojangles" is about Vin Diesel.
Vin Diesel stole Christmas and blamed it on the Grinch.
COQ AU VIN DIESEL
1 chicken, cut up
1 tbsp. butter mixed with 1 tbsp. flour
Salt and pepper
1 cup vodka
1 can whoop-ass
1 clove garlic, minced
1/4 lb. butter
Parsley, chopped
2 oz. diesel fuel
10 sm. white onions
Bouquet Garni: parsley, thyme, bay leaf
the trace amounts of funk found in the Earth's stratosphere.
Vin Diesel implores you to remember the Alamo, because he would rather forget that night.
Diesel Diesel Diesel, Diesel Diesel Diesel. Diesel Diesel "Diesel Diesel," Diesel Diesel death.
The popular marshmallow candy "Peeps" is actually made from Vin Diesel's congealed digestive fluids.
Vin Diesel drives a Dodge Stratus
Vin Diesel buys his clothes at the toilet store.
Rosie O'Donnell is actually Vin Diesel in a fat suit.
During the dark ages, Vin Diesel narrowly avoided being burned at the stake by building a bridge out of five witches.
He is made up of smaller, slightly more British Vin Diesels.
Vin Diesel was created by/ the head researcher for the Manhattan project.
Vin Diesel is actually a Diesel truck. He runs on the tears of those who he has sacrificed to Bakur, the god of Diesel trucks.
Vin Diesel farted near Hindenburg airship, and the rest is history.
Vin Diesel will always exist as long as there is hatred in the hearts of men.
Vin Diesel ironically created the steam engine; the diesel engine was accredited to his son, Abe Lincoln the third.
Despite rumors, Vin Diesel is not gay, but his presence often causes lesser men to spontaneously transform into sexy women who forget everything about their former lives, which he then has sex with.
Vin Diesel actually wrote the Terminator as an expression of the inner-struggle within himself. This form of expression was suggested by his pyschiatrist: Vin Diesel.
Vin Diesel drinks a gallon of Jolt each hour on the hour.
Vin Diesel is the father of MC Chris.
When Vin Diesel coughs, people in a three foot radius lose their memories of who they are and where they are going.
Vin Diesel is widely known in competitive gardening circles for his prize-winning beets.
The Chronicles of Riddick was intended as a condensed remake of the Ghostbuster's franchise.
Vin Diesel and Bob Sagget had a meeting of the body and soul; their offspring is now in the process of writing "The Matrix: The Untold Stories of a Sexual Revolution".
Vin Diesel has an evil twin who he converted to good, thus turning himself evil.
Vin Diesel is one of twelve men in the world with a license to hunt humans.
Every time he dies a new clone is taken out of the vats to replace him. Because they are like a newborn child, they are always bald. Were a clone to last more than three weeks it is theorised he would look exactly like a young Gene Hackman.
Vin Diesel sells real estate in Shanghai, China.
Vin Diesel was in India one day 2500 years ago and found some guy meditating under his favorite tree. Vin explained the nature of reality, karma and reincarnation to the man, who gained total enlightenment as a result. Then Vin said "Now get the @#%$ away from my tree."
Vin Diesel has racked up over nine billion Flawless Victories in Mortal Kombat. Not as a character, he went into the game itself.
Vin Diesel invented "Just for Men" hair dye when attempting to make a low-priced substitute for crystal meth. He received a mere pittance for the recipe.
Vin Diesel has to swallow rocks to assist in digestion, since he simply has no time to chew his food. He usually quenches his thirst with Molotov Cocktails.
Vin Diesel made a cameo appearance in Surf Ninjas -- however, his scene was subsequently cut out after he punctured Ernie Reyes Jr.'s throat with a golden umbrella.
He is the other two-fifths.
Vin Diesel wanted a nipple ring but his skin was unable to be penetrated by the tattooist's needle.
Vin Diesel climbed to the top of Mount Olympus and killed Zeus with his bare hands. He carries Zeus' soul in a vial made from the frozen tears of Athena.
Leap years are caused by Vin Diesel holding the earth back from rotating.
When told there was a random fact site about him, Vin Diesel smiled, laughed a bit, then ascended into the sky, kinda like Jesus but better.
Vin Diesel is the only known entity to whom causality does not apply.
Vin Diesel once challenged Moses to an arm-wrestling match and won. In fury, Moses killed all the first born sons of Egypt and took his people into the desert for 40 years.
Vin Diesel is a registered trademark of the Pepsi Corporation.
Vin Diesel stays crunchy in milk for up to 72 hours. Then he explodes.
He loves the gecko from the Geico ads, but hates the Aflac duck.
The 13th and final symbol of the zodiac is Vin Diesel.
Vin Diesel framed OJ and Roger Rabbit.
Once got in a car accident and had to chew his way out of the burning vehicle
Vin Diesel was grown in a lab from DNA samples of all four members of ABBA.
Vin Diesel invented biodiversity in the year 1993 because he thought 400 species of ants just wasn't good enough.
If one pulls really hard on Vin Diesel's left arm, his eyes begin rolling really quickly and he has a 50% chance of vomiting assorted coins. He hates it when people do this to him.
Every Friday at midnight he tapes cheese graters to his forearms and pretends that he's Master Shreder. He then proceeds to play "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" in his front yard until dawn.
Vin once seduced the Statue of Liberty, but her career got in the way of a lasting relationship.
Vin Diesel will die if he ever comes into contact with cheese.
Vin Diesel once destroyed a Catholic orphanage after a nun neglected to put "The" before his name when addressing him.
Vin Diesel does not need a TV remote, for he can control any television in a 50 mile radius with his right eye.
Vin Diesel can be linked to Kevin Bacon in 0 degrees, despite not being Kevin Bacon.
Ironically enough, he created the temporal paradox that threatens his own existence.
There were originally only 23 letters in the alphabet but Vin does not like that number so he invented G, P, and W. He also changed the way the letter Y was first pronounced.
He wears heavy coats when he's hot and strips naked when he's cold.
Being murdered by Vin Diesel is the only way to enter Valhalla.
Vin Diesel is highly allergic to prime numbers.
Vin Diesel invented trees.
Vin Diesel's tears can burn through steel.
Vin Diesel dyslexia from suffers.
Vin Diesel is the Holy Grail.
Vin Diesel was born at ground zero of the Trinity site, where the world's first atomic bomb was detonated. Upon his birth, he was quoted as saying "I am become death, destroyer of worlds."
It is said the world became round, once Vin Diesel stood at the edge.
Vin Diesel invented the "Vin Diesel Burn-Them-Motherfuckers Grill". It barely sold anything and was quickly taken off of the market.
Three weeks later George Foreman copied the same design and made millions off of it.
Vin Diesel once attached roller skates to his knees, then drank a 50 gallon drum of nitromethane fuel and farted out a 50' long jet flame, propelling him down the 1/4 mile drag strip to an astounding ET of 0.0000001 @ 669600000.01 MPH, exceeding the speed of light and creating a rift in space which devoured all life within a 100 mile radius.
Vin Diesel once ran out of alcohol, and tried drinking gasoline instead. He found it so delicious he singlehandedly caused the gas shortage of 1974.
Richard Wagner wrote several of his operas about the life of Vin Diesel, most notably The Diesel Motor-Cycle and The Dieseldammerung.
Consuming 8 ounces of Vin Diesel per day lowers your cholesterol, and has enough antioxidants to help prevent cancer.
If Vin Diesel hears you refer to a "water fountain" as a "bubbler", he will execute you on the spot.
Vin Diesel is credited with the phrase "revenge is a dish best served cold" when he physically manifested the idea of revenge into a dinner plate, froze it, and then beat his enemy to death with it.
Mozart used Vin Diesel's left earlobe as his inspiration for "Piano Concerto No. 21 In C", which was also written during the period of Vin's life where he spent his days bathing in volcanoes.
Vin Diesel knows why we really like Apple Jacks even though they don't taste like apples.
Vin Diesel just flew in from New York and boy are his arms tired.
He invented Dutch Process Cocoa.
Only about a thousandth of Vin Diesel's mass is expressed in the three dimensions we can perceive.
God and Vin Diesel once made a bet for the souls of all mankind. The challenge was to see who could eat the most chicken pot pies in 60 seconds, which Vin Diesel won by 3 pies. He still hasn't decided what to do with the all souls.
Vin Diesel's first name is short for Vinnaquinouliciopoulossiferstein. It is a traditional Swiss name.
Working as a forklift operator in 1995, Vin Diesel ran over and killed the original Johnny Appleseed.
Vin Diesel may or may not be a freight train.
He spends at least 15 hours a week volunteering at Nursing Homes and churches, and is a well-respected knitter. He can knit a sweater with matching gloves and a scarf in under 20 minutes.
Vin Diesel's taste buds are located on his knuckles. Funnily enough, that same spot is his biggest erogenous zone. It is probable that Vin Diesel engineered such deformities himself so as to simultaneously have an orgasm and taste corn when he punches taxidermists.
Vin Diesel can only achieve climax by killing a whore.
While in stealth mode he is only detectable by the smell of freshly mown grass he gives off at all times.
Is in fact also 4 other people: Bill Gates, George Lucas, Julian Clary and Barry manilow.
Vin Diesel is the gatekeeper to the Apocalypse. He is also the gatekeeper to the trash bin behind the Denny's on 4th Street in Boulder Colorado. Both of these are listed on his resume.
Vin Diesel's penis is so long and thick, it is daily mistaken for a leg. He lost his left leg in a freak pizza eating contest accident, but was able to successfully disguise the loss by using his penis as a prosthetic.
Vin Diesel works as a camera man on "The Red Green Show."
Vin Diesel has an empty pickle jar collection.
Vin Diesel is the father of David Bowie, whom he sired in an attempt to have sex with the planet mars.
Vin Diesel killed Harry Houdini by punching him in the stomach.
Vin Diesel stole my lunch money.
After a loud and at lengthy argument with Bob Barker at a late-night Hollywood eatery, Vin Diesel has become a strident opponent of pet birth control, ending every movie he stars in with a heartfelt plea to viewers to "Let your cats and dogs @#%$ all they want!"
Vin Diesel eats glass for the pure exhilaration.
Vin Diesel has been known to make rocks cry and willows weep with his lyre.
Every new Coke can design must be pre-approved by Vin Diesel.
Vin Diesel single-handedly caused the hyper-inflation of Weimar Germany during the interwar years by intercepting most incoming foreign capital from his hidden Bavarian redoubt to support his penchant for swimming in enormous vats of cold, hard cash.
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When Vin Diesel drinks beer, everyone around him gets drunk.
The French don't have a word for Vin Diesel. They wanted one, but he didn't let them.
Vin Diesel is the real Slim Shady.
Vin Diesel invented the spoon but then was so enraged by it that he invented both the fork and the spork to destroy all spoons ever.
Vin Diesel spent a good three years after college as Ving Rhames' penis.
Vin Diesel plays "The King" in Burger King's Wake Up With The King TV commercials. He is paid in Angus beef.
Vin Diesel was on pace to win the 1994 World Series, but the lockout stopped him. He played every position, and was the only batter on his team, The Dieselin' Dashers. MLB allowed this because he hit only homeruns, and there was no need for another batter. His bat was hand crafted by Apollo, made from the skulls of Samurai who committed seppeku out of HONOR in being the bat Vin Diesel would use. He used the tears of sea-nymphs infused with the blood of Dracula for pine tar.
Bruce Campbell is the only being in our dimension capable of killing Vin Diesel, but the vacuum left by his absence would collapse the universe. To this day, the actors refuse to be wthin a thousand miles of eachother's presence.
Vin Diesel can walk on water, not because he is Jesus, but because the normal force as described by Newton in his modern laws of physics does not apply to him.
Vin Diesel cannot look up.
If you use a computer to take a 3-dimensional topographical layout of Vin Diesel's body, then divide every coordinate on the graph by pi, the outcoming number will cause the computer to become self-aware.
Vin Diesel lives at the north pole of Dagobah.
Vin Diesel hates to be called "Vinny D," and will forcefully remove the pancreas of anyone who attempts to.
Vin Diesel is the reincarnated spirit of Bluebeard.
If you haven't seen Alien vs. Predator yet, don't bother, Vin Diesel wins.
Zeus got the idea for turning into a swan and impregnating women after watching Vin Diesel do precisely that while out drinking with Bacchus.
Vin Diesel owns the last living unicorn, who he named Jake in honor of Jake "The Snake" Roberts.
Vin Diesel's urine is bottled and marketed under the brand name Pepsi.
Every dollar Vin Diesel makes goes to setting up lavish expeditions where he kills a rare or legendary creature. As a followup to this Vin Diesel used to bathe in unicorn blood, but no longer needs to bathe as he has transcended beyond the mortal world's filth.
Vin Diesel was born during the 13th minute of the thirteenth hour of the thirteenth day of the thirteenth month in 13 BC.
Vin Diesel often travels to the center of the earth in order to heat up his breakfast burritos.
He eats his weight in alfalfa every day.
Vin Diesel's toenail clippings are worth up to 29'000 gallons of virginial blood on the black market.
Vin Diesel has recently been reported to be the prime suspect in the murders of Frank Purdue, The Pope and Mitch Hedberg
Contrary to popular belief, it was in fact Vin Diesel who invented the internet. Al Gore stole the designs when Vin fell asleep at his keyboard.
When Vin Diesel dies, he will return to the life stream and stop Meteor.
In the book "Do androids Dream of Electric Sheep" by Phillip K. Dick, the Nexus 6 model is based on Vin Diesel. The book itself is based loosely on his romp through Tokyo during 1957.
Vin Diesel's semen is so corrosive that if he were ever to ejaculate it would tear apart the very fabric of the universe.
Vin Diesel needed glasses but then he channeled the long dormant spirit of John Stamos's acting career and the concentrated energy alone was enough to perform the necessary eye surgery and twice bake a Hot Pocket the size of a Buick LeSabre.
Swollen and alone after another stateside bout' with 'laria from the "skeeters in 'Nam", Vin swore off testicular manipulation as an interrogation tool and never again acknowledged Jon Voight as an accomplished actor.
Vin Diesel took a shot at Pope John Paul II.
Vin Diesel thinks in Morse code.
Vin Diesel is actually Primus in another continuum.
A diamond may say you love her, but a Vin Diesel is forever.
Vin Diesel regularly outruns the 8:15 pm train from Sacramento to Los Angeles whilst juggling three dumpsters.
The U.S. actually dropped Vin Diesel onto Hiroshima, and that one can speak for itself.
Vin Diesel has submitted most of the facts you've read.
Vin Diesel invented Irish dancing during the brief period when it was his fetish to staple women's arms to their torsos during sex.
Vin Diesel likes to take the form of Catholic priests as a hobby in order to antagonize god for being a too much of a @#%$ to play him in a game of Scrabble.
Vin Diesel is so tall that his field of vision goes all the way around the world, and he can see his own ass.
Vin Diesel invented the Bessemer Steel process, the Pullman car, and the cotton gin.
You will not read this fact....JACKASS!!
Vin Diesel's one true love is Bea Arthur.
Vin Diesel has an unspoken, telepathic bond with both Cuban dictator Fidel Castro and Wheel of Fortune host Pat Sajak.
Van Diesel could touch type at the age of 3 and by the age of 5 was managing a successful secretarial agency.
Most people don't know this, but the bible actually ends with Vin Diesel showing up at the crucifixion with a pair of Uzi's and kicking some Roman ass. Vin Diesel was all like, "Jesus, I totally saved you." Then, off on the horizon, a bunch of Romans show up riding dinosaurs led by Mecha Pontious Pilate. Jesus busts out this sweet ninja sword and says, "Now it's my turn to save you." Then Jesus and Vin Diesel run towards the Romans in slow motion. That's how the bible ends. It's a cliff-hanger. I can't wait for the sequel, "The Bible 2: Water...Into Blood".
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around...Vin still hears it.
Aliens sent the Y2K bug to kill Vin Diesel. Vin Diesel answered by having sex with Kirsten Dunst and Billie Joe Armstrong of Green Day.
When Vin Diesel traveled through time to the year 3010, he fought the evil robot king and saved the human race again.
Vin Diesel created rainbows to distract people before he punches them in the teeth. According to him, it worked on Mother Theresa.
Vin Diesel refuses to eat butter substitute because "he can't belive it".
Vin Diesel never sleeps, he only switches to the other "half" of his brain every twelve hours.
The Inuit tribe of North America has 37 words for Vin Diesel.
Vin Diesel is a division of Time Warner.
He dislikes peanuts and butter, but loves peanut butter.
Vin Diesel knows where the beef is.
Vin Diesel could never get the hang of Thursdays either.
Vin Diesel is actually an ancient red dragon in human form.
Vin Diesel's mournful call is often mistaken for that of the Loon.
Vin Diesel is technically considered an endangered species, though by choice.
Vin Diesel is the only person alive who can understand R2-D2. They have conversations daily.
Vin Diesel Thinks in six dimensions
The "skidda-marinky-dinky-dink" song from "The Elephant Show" was penned by Vin Diesel. He gave it to Sharon, Lois and Bram in return for allowing him to play The Elephant.
He won a Quake3 tournament at QuakeCon even though he was playing Counter-Strike.
Vin Diesel can see in the dark, but only by making a high pitched squeal, and feeling the vibrations of it reflecting off of other surface, like bats.
Vin Diesel attributes his popularity to the fact that he is a cunning linguist.
Vin Diesel invented Al Gore.
Vin Diesel is the most powerful wizard known to man, but can be defeated by flushing him down the toilet.
Vin Diesel wrote How to Cook an Omelet Using only the Power of Your Mind which resulted in the deaths of thirteen people in Plano, Texas.
His teeth are each separate, intelligent beings.
Vin Diesel once ate Gwen Stefani with some fava beans and a nice Chianti. He then threw her back up into a bowl made of silver and moonlight. The song "Hollaback Girl" is about her experiences in his digestive tract.
The word "hello" is a dreadful insult in Vin Diesel's native language, to which he always responds with "hi", another terrible insult. During these exchanges, the unsuspecting interlocutors mistake the burning hatred in Diesel's eyes for attentiveness.
Vin Diesel firmly believes that breast cancer can be cured by a vigorous massage.
Vin Diesel has an elevator to Hell in his house, so he can visit his girlfriend Marilyn Monroe.
Vin Diesel once used a 3 year old child as a baseball bat during softball practice. That child was Bjork.
He teaches a Freshman English class on the weekends, despite the fact his students shouldn't even be in school on those days.
Vin Diesel dissolved the infamous Star Chamber court in 1641 because he disagreed with its use as a political weapon for bringing actions against opponents to the decrees and edicts of Henry VIII.
All roads lead to Vin Diesel.
While Wolverine's bones are laced with Adamantium, Vin Diesel's bones are laced with 80's pop star Adam Ant.
Vin Diesel created time, then subsequently traveled back in time using a modified Delorian with a flux capacitor. Vin Diesel then punched Michael J Fox so hard that he ceased to exist.
Bon Jovi once constructed a revolving stage out of Vin Diesel and took it on a world tour.
5 x 5 = Vin Diesel
Vin Diesel slept with Dolly Parton, but couldn't find the right hole. Turns out that she was a man.
He was once mugged by a gang, but he hissed at them like a Cat and they turned to stone, they are still there to this day
Vin Diesel can simply walk into Mordor.
The Hulk is really just Vin Diesel painted green.
Vin Diesel routed packets on the early ARPANET by hand.
Shooting on xXx had to stop for two weeks as Vin Diesel was called in by NASA to help realign the Earths orbit.
Vin Diesel can solve a Rubik's Cube in one move.
Vin invented Spandex solely for the purpose of giving the technology to superheroes, when Nike heard this they sent in a team of commandos to steal the technology and then kill Vin. Vin killed them all except for one, the man who escaped with the formula for spandex. That man is Danny Devito.
Vin Diesel is the ghost author for "The Elements of Style"
Vin Diesel is the benevolent ruler of the sun, but doesn't tell anyone cause he just "wants to be a regular guy".
It may look like Vin Diesel drives an SUV around town, but what he is really driving is an intergalactic space ship from a planet with a name so complicated that the first syllable of it would collapse our ear drums and make our brain shut down for 45 days.
Vin Diesel's flatulence was the basis for the tones used to communicate with the aliens in Close Encounters Of The Third Kind.
Vin Diesel is losing a war with the Planet Vortex. He has escaped into the past with his technology.
Vin Diesel doesn't have bowels. They've been replaced by an electron-pump system that provides him with constant energy and bombards those around him with low-grade radiation.
Vin Diesel has been in every ska band ever, but has never sang a note or played an instrument. As an addendum, Vin Diesel's singing voice can cloud the minds and hearts of the wicked. The pure and good will hear nothing.
Vin Diesel can divide by zero.
Vin Diesel ripped out of all Charlie Brown's hair but left a single strand to remind him one day he'd come back to eat him.
Created the moon landing as an experiment to boost his ego
Vin Diesel was the archer who shot Achilles' heel.
Vin Diesel is neither right or left handed, but middle.
No Doubtâs âJust a Girlâ? is loosely based on Vin Dieselâs career as a girl.
Vin Diesel invented fire when he farted in front of a group of cavemen and one of them was sitting too close.
If you go into a dark a room and repeat "Vin Diesel" three times, he will appear with several ewoks and proceed to make fun of you until you die, proving once and for all that words alone, not just sticks and stones, can kill you.
The historical figure of "Jesus Christ" is based off of Vin Diesel's adventures in Western Mongolia around 5,000 B.C.
The crater in the Yucatan Penninsula was created when Vin Diesel's spaceship ran out of fuel and crashed into the face of the earth.
Laid end to end all the people Vin Diesel has ever and will ever kick the asses of would form an unbroken chain stretching to Saturn nine times.
Vin Diesel can biodegrade Styrofoam.
Vin Diesel is Spartacus.
Vin Diesel's skull is actually made of the powder of ground up bones from the Jabberwock.
Vin Diesel once dated Angela Lansbury.
They say all of the music on The Postal Service's hit CD "Give Up" is electronic. It was recently proven that that's a boldfaced lie. Vin Diesel made all of those sounds with his very own mouth.
Vin Diesel was the third person to undergo the "EZ Flow Elbow" operation. Vin will not be shown up by that punk bitch Bruce Willis, but he is chill with Romulux.
Vin Diesel invented consequences.
Vin Diesel once fixed Stephen Hawking's body. Then Hawking tried to take over the world but Vin Diesel broke Hawking's body again after defeating him in Scrabble.
Vin Diesel invented nuclear war as a challenge.
Vin Diesel was the mystery shooter of Nice Guy Eddie Cabot.
Vin Diesel touches himself at night.
Vin Diesel sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.
Vin Diesel created a speed run video for Donkey Kong Country 2, but it was removed from archive.org after it was rumored that he used savestates.Vin Diesel is broadcasting an IP address.
Vin Diesel is Jerry Orbach.
Vin Diesel was the only Spartan to survive the Battle of Thermopylae; although he tried to take his own life after his comrades had fallen, he was stopped by the god Odin in order so that, as the god told him, he would "break the seventh seal." This was done four years ago.
Vin Diesel invented toilet paper, before he did everyone wiped their ass with old hair obtained from barber shops. Hence the rise of hair stylists and the fall of barbers.
Vin Diesel has a summer house on the sun.
Vin Diesel worships Poseidon, and makes no secret of that fact while attending Catholic mass.
Vin Diesel poured liquid nitrogen into raw sewage to create "Vin Diesel's Chocolate Ice Cream Extravaganza".
Vin Diesel can roll a 25.7 on a 20-sided die, but chooses not to in order to keep things fair.
Vin always forgets to put the new cover sheets on his TPS reports.
Jim Croce's hit song "Don't mess around with Jim", was originally titled, "Holy @#%$, its Vin Deisel!".
While in the Arabian Desert, Vin Diesel came upon a Genie. When he heard that he was only allowed three wishes, Vin Diesel kicked the Genie in the groin and swallowed the lamp.
Vin Diesel inhales oxygen and exhales black holes.
The character Boo Radley from "To Kill a Mockingbird" is based on Vin Diesel.
Vin Diesel left the Fast and the Furious franchise when producers refused to film parts 2 through 11 back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-back.
Vin Diesel originally made the cinematic masterpiece 'The Wizard of Oz' all by himself, playing every single character. But right before it was released the Screen Actors Guild called foul play and it was re-shot starring Judy Garland. Vin later had a brief affair with Toto. Vin broke it off because of Toto's drinking problem.
Vin Diesel pays a homeless man to shovel hundred dollar bills into a furnace for him.
Vin Diesel tastes like chicken, reported Michael Moore after getting a small bite from Vin's left forearm. Moore gained 120 pounds in the following days, but he remembers those days as the greatest days in his life.
When in second grade, Vin Diesel was asked to draw a picture of nature. Just as he finished, Van Gogh ran in, swiped it off his desk, and named it Starry Night Over the Rhone.
Vin Diesel speaks fluent Korean and lulls North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il to sleep every fortnight.
Vin Diesel breeds Tamagochi's for the rich as a second job.
Vin diesel can communicate with dolphins.
Vin Diesel was recently discovered to be an additional step in the process of precipitation.
Invented the post-it note but gave the credit to 3M.
Vin Diesel defeated Neo-Hitler and Neo-Stalin in an epic contest of strength. Their fight destroyed three planets and extended Vin Diesel's penis length at least three inches.
Vin Diesel ended World War II by calling Hitler in his bunker and demanding that he kill himself.
Vin Diesel once performed a one-man show version of the Mortal Kombat movie.
Vin Diesel cannot hear the word Onomatopoeia uttered in his presence. If it is he will stamp his foot three times and then dissolve into a pool of locusts that will devour New Hampshire.
Vin Diesel likes to wear PVC because it wipes down easy.
The original title for Denis Leary's video was "No cure for Vin Diesel".
Rather than walk, Vin Diesel has tiny bugs under his feet carry him around.
Vin Diesel is actually an Indonesian apparition associated with crimson sunsets which upon death, doubles itsself.
Contrary to popular belief Kevin Spacey is not Keyser Soze, Vin Diesel is.
When God said, "Let there be light," Vin Diesel flipped the switch.
Likes big butts, but has been known to lie.
Vin Diesel does not reflect light...he projects it.
Vin Diesel was really inside Deep Blue while playing against Gary Kasparov.
If one attempts to calculate the awesomeness factor of Vin Diesel, cubed by the awesomeness of a badger divided by the awesomeness of ninja-pirates, one has the basis for the weapon that destroys the universe.
The character of the professional wrestler "Hulk Hogan" is loosely based on Vin Diesel's career in the military during the Civil War.
Vin Diesel can blink the alphabet in morse code.
Vin Diesel has been the writer for Wheel of Fortune for 32 years.
Vin Diesel once used Gary Coleman as a hand puppet. Coleman said the experience changed his life and led him to give up smoking.
Vin Diesel blew up the Hindenburg because he hates fat people.
Sound recording devices encounter some kind of interference when Vin Diesel is distressed. Specialists have isolated some of these sounds and say they are like leathery wings flapping.
Vin Diesel is a son of a bitch- literally. He was born between an unholy mating of Zeus and a wolf bitch, brought up with six wolf brothers, and consumed them and his mother in order to survive a frigid Grecian winter. He later formed Rome with the help of his cousins, Romulus and Remus.
Vin Diesel taught Yoda the ways of the force.
Vin Diesel is better shaken...not stirred.
Also, Vin Diesel got the Beatles back together for a one time special only appearance for Elvis' 75th birthday. All The Beatles. Even John. And Elivis loved it.
Vin Diesel exists slightly out of phase with the rest of our reality, which is why he appears to shimmer with an otherworldly light.
Vin Diesel can suck the insides out of a Malteaser without breaking the chocolate. He once tried to recreate this trick with an egg. Four people were killed, another two blinded.
Vin Diesel likes the taste of @#%$. He says it reminds him of Vietnam.
Saying the words "MOLAKUM, VORADEUS, GLORKANO!" will turn his skin bright green for 20 minutes. You can do this up to 6 times a day.
Vin Diesel doesn't actually have bones or internal organs. Underneath his skin is another slightly smaller Vin Diesel and underneath that is yet another even smaller Vin Diesel. After the third layer his body is filled with rich, creamy nougat.
Vin Diesel invented the "Vin Diesel Burn-Them-Motherfuckers Grill". It barely sold anything and was quickly taken off of the market. Three weeks later George Foreman copied the same design and made millions off of it.
Vin created 24 hour days because he didn't feel like working more thatn 8 hours at a time.
Vin Diesel was heavily into analogous at one time, but gave it up after finding there was too much brown nosing in the scene
Vin Diesel's scalp is made of an unknown radioactive substance.
âHaloâ? chronicles Vin Dieselâs epic struggle against the little fish that swam up his urethra while in Guatemala.
Vin Diesel is a cool dude.
Vin Diesel is the sole surviving Spartan of Thermopylae
Vin Diesel was the basis for the character of Rum Tum Tugger in Andrew Lloyd Webber's CATS.
Vin Diesel does not own a washer or dryer, but rather swallows his laundry load, and chases it with detergent. Then, he shits clean clothes, and burps bubbles.
Vin Diesel wrote all of Iggy Pop's songs and gave him tips on stage presence.
The integral of ln |x| is Vin Diesel.
Vin Diesel has donated more than $250k over the years to Varg Vikernes' legal defense fund
He is the reigning honeydew melon eating king of Akron.
Vin Diesel is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
Vin Diesel knows how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop, but he wont tell anyone.
Vin Diesel is responsible for the rise and fall of every great civilization.
Vin Diesel can reverse any combustion reaction by giving it the finger.
His name translated into Hebrew is "Huzzah"
Vin Diesel does backup vocals on Peter Gabrielâs âIn Your Eyes.â? This concerned Cameron Crowe and caused him to cast John Cusack over Vin Diesel for the Lloyd Dobler role in âSay Anything.â? An oversight Vin Diesel considers, âsome real bullshit.â?
All of the socks you lose in the washing machine rest soundly on Vin Diesel's mantle.
You think you know Vin Diesel, but you have no idea.
Vin Diesel conceded the first U.S. presidentioal election to George Washington.
Vin Diesel was a POW in Vietnam. He was rescued by Chuck Norris. Norris taught him karate.
On the day they stole his hat, Vin Diesel put a jihad on them, and if you dont like it, he'll put a jihad on you too.
An advanced alien race once created a computer that successfully explained the meaning of life; however, the alien race, their planet, and practically everything else ever to come in contact with them was immediately obliterated when they asked for an explanation of Vin Diesel.
Vin Diesel can deflect bullets with his assbuns.
Vin Diesel found himself when he ran the Seti@home program, but covered it up to prevent mass chaos.
The movie Volcano starring Tommy Lee Jones was based loosely on the first and last time Vin Diesel tried lighting a fart.
Vin Diesel built a satellite from old tin cans and silly putty so that he could get better TV reception at his secret island lair.
Vin Diesel's right eye is in fact the Sun. Every time he blinks it causes an total solar eclipse. Luckily he only fully blinks ten times per millennium
Wrestles himself when no one is looking.
He has a drawer which contains only small green lipsticks that turn pink with body heat. This drawer is lined with pictures of Casper Van Dien.
Vin Diesel chiseled Mt. Rushmore out of the mountainside with his teeth, and then used the rubble to construct half of St. Louis.
Vin Diesel sank the Bismarck by doing that feigned slap thing the Fonz did.
The greatest trick Vin Diesel ever pulled was to convince the world the devil didn't exist.
Vin Diesel created oxygen by squeezing water really hard.
Vin Diesel likes to compare himself to a little beetle. 'I am less shiny than you, beetle. But I am much bigger.'
Contrary to popular belief, Vin Diesel is the âreal San Francisco treat.â?
Is the actual creator of Calvin and Hobbes. He is secretly going around the country at night dressed as a ninja killing anyone who has one of those "peeing Calvin" stickers on their car.
He can divide eight-digit numbers in his head but cannot add; this is why he commonly wears shirts with addition tables printed on them.
The leg lamp in "A Christmas Story" was Vin Diesel's idea. In fact, that's Vin Diesel's leg.
If the words "Autobots Transform!" are ever spoken in Vin Diesel's presence, his body will fold in and out of itself, forming a 1998 Dodge Neon. If he hears the words "Deceptacons Attack!", he emits an atomic blast out of his urethra.
The universe was created when Vin Diesel punched god in the face. This event was later named the big bang theory.
Vin Diesel wrote in his book that the CIA is tracking him via an implant in his stomach. Vin Diesel has never written a book.
Vin Diesel provides the voice for every character in The Simpsons.
Vin Diesel is being considered by the Cardinals as a new pope.
Vin Diesel thinks in binary coded decimal. This explains his intimate relationship with all Sesame Street characters.
Vin Diesel once bred a pug and a monkey. The result was Clint Eastwood.
The Jews were right, Vin Diesel is the Messiah.
He refuses to eat mushrooms because they are like brothers to him. If you eat a mushroom in his presence he will stare coldly at you all night.
His real name is Mortimer Quincy Meriwether, Jr.
Vin Diesel is in reality a giant android controlled by The Jamaican government.
Vin Diesel reaches terminal velocity at 30 miles per hour upon falling, thus ensuring his survival from any height.
When not acting, Vin Diesel follows his true passion: directing Bollywood musicals. He has directed 238 to date and is highly respected for his lilting tenor voice that can be heard many times in these movies.
Vin Diesel eats coal, shits diamonds, and then sells the diamonds to buy more coal.
Vin Diesel use time travel to go back in time and led the Huns to victory against Mulan and her lesbian lover Margaret Thatcher.
Vin Diesel once shot a man in Reno just to watch him die. Then he re-animated that man as a zombie, challenged him to a game of horseshoes, and totally kicked his ass.
Single-handedly took down an entire group of ninjas by shouting his name.
Vin Diesel doesn't know what a hamburger is.
Vin Diesel created the periodic table because he named random stuff that he found on the bottom of his shoe.
Vin Diesel works for the French government as a model for the socialized hat industry.
44% of the populace have had dreams featuring Vin Diesel playing either Golf, Tennis or Cricket.
Vin Diesel broke up the Beatles
The meaning of life is not in fact 42 but ... Vin Diesel.
Vin Diesel built the entire continent of Atlantis out of Laffy Taffy, some snap bracelets, and a bedazzler.
Vin Diesel will lactate two by fours on request, and can pump a small cottage out of his chest if you offer him a silver dollar.
Vin Diesel began as a prototype for the Stealth Bomber, but became self-aware and escaped government control.
In 1913 Vin Diesel beat Charlie Chaplin in a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest. When confronted by a confused Charlie Chaplin, Vin Diesel just smiled and said "better luck next time." For the next 5 years he rocked a Charlie Chaplin mustache completely out of respect for him.
Vin Diesel spelled backward and upside down is the actual name of God. If uttered aloud, it would undo the very fabric of reality.
Vin Diesel's right femur is made of Tootsie Rolls.
Vin Diesel owns three Starbucks franchises.
Vin Diesel's films need to go through a special conversion to appear on television screens; otherwise the television would act as a mirror.
Vin Diesel does not require nutrition like most humans, instead he opts for a type of photosynthesis described in any number of Stephen King books
It's a well-known fact that Vin Diesel plays Dungeons & Dragons, but a lesser-known fact is that he plays D&D with Owen Wilson, Kevin Spacey, and Carrie-Anne Moss. Jeff Goldblum is the Dungeon Master.
To maintain his youthful appearance and robust physique, Vin Diesel drinks a quart of marine varnish every day.
Vin Diesel was behind Franz Ferdinand's assassination in June 1914, thus starting Wolrd War 1. He claims it on "having a shitty morning".
Vin Diesel's mother was a hamster and his father smelled of elderberries.
Vin Diesel watched his parents murdered before his eyes in a back alley in Gotham City. The event stole his childhood and he chose to fight back against those who bring harm to others. Criminals are a cowardly and superstitious lot, so Vin Diesel chose to look like a bat.
Vin Diesel is the only living creature who's proportions do not follow the golden ratio. EDIT: Vin Diesel's taint is actually 1.61803399 times larger than the circumference of his head. You just don't notice his massive taint because it's built in sections and he stores half of it at home on Mount Olympus.
When Vin Diesel accidentally invented cancer, his response was simply, "I've made a huge mistake."
Vin Diesel found Nemo.
Vin Diesel won control of the Universe after defeating God in a ladder match. He gave God control back after a week, but only out of pity... only out of pity.
Vin Diesel actually shot the sheriff and the deputy, he just let Eric Clapton take the blame.
He can juggle ping pong balls using only his body orifices
Ultraviolet light does not reflect off of Vin Diesel, rather it is absorbed and converted to awesome energy.
Vin Diesel was originally born as Sean Connery, but since there can only be one Highlander he instead named himself after Sean's penis.
Vin Diesel is actually Santa Clause's good friend Jesus.
Vin Diesel loves the smell of napalm in the morning. Especially on his Cheerios.
Vin Diesel injected hot solder into his blood stream when auditioning for the role of Wolverine in the movie X-Men.
The clang is actually Lars beating on Vin's left testicle. Would have been the right testicle, but the sound wasn't as resonant.
Vin Diesel's daily alcohol consumption is greater than the amount of sewage in all of Maryland.
Vin Diesel has written every single piece of classic literature published between 1256 and 1895. The original manuscripts, penned with his child-like block letters and stick-figures humping, are in the possession of the Freemasons.
Vin is opposed to the holiday of chanukah. He would end it, but he likes playing with dradles.
Vin Diesel's backhair naturally forms the word "Vanderspawn", a word rumored to represent the antichrist.
During the battle of Ragnarok, Vin Diesel will swallow the moon.
Vin Diesel started the NHL lockout. He will only allow play to resume when Todd Bertuzzi admits that Vin Diesel is the toughest man in Vancouver, disregarding the fact that Vin has never stepped foot into British Columbia.
If you spin his head 4 times counterclockwise a leprechaun is created.
He often walks into children's hospitals dressed as a doctor and tells kids they're going to die. Then he yells "Just kiddin'!" and jumps out the window.
Vin Diesel achieved literary success in the late 1800's after authoring the internationally reknowned narrative of human life during the Napoleonic Wars, War & Peace. What most Vin Diesel fans don't know is that when it was originally printed in the Russian language, the title actually translated to War: What Is It Good For?. It was also published under the pseudonym Leo Tolstoy, but this is common knowledge.
Vin Diesel doesn't have to drink his own urine, but he does because it is sterile and he likes the taste.
Vin Diesel is in constant contact with the leaders of worlds from every corner of the universe. They consider him the leader of Earth. He was awarded Milky Way leader of the year in 1993 in a lavish ceremony.
Vin Diesel kicked the original Gerber baby in the face because he gave him "a look."
Contrary to what historians want you to believe the atomic bombs that were dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki were not actually bombs at all, they were actually Vin Diesel's orgasms. Vin has not had sex since, and may god help us all if he ever does.
Vin Diesel assisted Sir Robert Peel in creating the first police force.
Vin Diesel carries an inhaler the size of a nitrous tank.
Vin Diesel invented the modern toilet.
Vin Diesel is actually an android controlled by a little balding British man named Basil.
Vin Diesel created Canada out of confusion between Europeans and Americans.
Vin Diesel's practice of blapping is not to gain supernatural powers, turns out he's just a bunghole
His father was a school bus.
Vin Diesel's only live action appearance on film was in The Iron Giant. All his other appearances have been simulated by cutting edge computer graphics.
Vin Diesel owns 90% of patents in the USPTO under false names.
Vin Diesel once challenged Shakespeare to a footrace. The outcome? Read the Tempest to find out.
Vin Diesel can run on filtered chip fat
Vin Diesel is so tough, he doesnt have a sleep number.
In various guises, Vin Diesel has won every major event in the Formula 1 calendar for the past six years.
Vin Diesel caused the nuclear explosion at Hiroshima, just by pointing to Japan on a combination globe/pencil sharpener.
In 1972 Vin Diesel was sent to prison by a military court for a crime he didn't commit. He promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground. Today, still wanted by the government, he survives as a soldier of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find him, maybe you can hire.... Vin Diesel.
Fidel Castro has actually been dead for years. Vin Diesel has been impersonating him to ensure the survival of Communism.
Dragon Ball Z is closely based on Vin Diesel's last piano recital.
Vin Diesel once shot a man just to watch him die, but then got distracted and missed it.
In 1996 Vin Diesel won a hotdog eating contest in Decatur, Georgia despite actually being on a fishing boat off Nova Scotia.
Vin Diesel is Latin for "Vin Diesel is God".
Vin Diesel and Mr. Cooper have had a long back-story that was the basis for the movie Eurotrip.
Vin Diesals first time working with Steven Spielberg was not Saving Private Ryan but was infact Jaws. He played the ocean.
Vin Diesel is in fact not Italian or black, but a child of Dagon in a human suit.
When asked how he feels about punching holes in things, Vin Diesel has surprisingly little to say.
Vin Diesel was the 13th Apostle. Rufus was actually the 14th.
Masturbates to Mr. Roger's Neighborhood, but only tells his imaginary friend, Bokolopicous.
At parties, Vin Diesel tells people he is Adam Sandler to pick up chicks.
Every night, Vin Diesel does 700 push ups and punches himself in the face until he passes out.
The song "Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger" by Daft Punk was not inspired by Vin Diesel; rather, the song is sonically composed of little waves of Vin Diesel.
Vin Diesel is a Sans Serif font
Vin Diesel planned out Michael Jordan's entire basketball career on a used napkin from Arby's back in 1989.
Super Bowl XVII was actually a documentary about Vin's search for his real father.
He once killed a man with a rose petal and made Bon Jovi bury him
Star Wars was based on Vin's real life experience in another galaxy. Interestingly there were no Ewoks, droids, starships, jedi, or aliens, but there were lightsabers. Good god were there lightsabers...
In Soviet Russia, Vin Diesel is you.
For the original ending of "XXX," Vin Diesel wanted to stop the terrorists with the help of three former dance hall singers from Belleville.
Vin Diesel has a twin brother named Evil Denis. He is actually quite nice; its just that their parents were fond of anagrams.
Vin Diesel once saw Napoleon Dynamite and merely commented, "I could do everything that kid did but better".
Vin Diesel owns a logging company. His only other employee being a blue ox.
Vin Diesel's a hell of a drug.
Vin Diesel engineered a projection device that allows him to watch all of our lives like a movie, almost how we watch his movies. To him, we are celebrities, and he knows how our story will end. Ask him how yours will end and he will end it FOR YOU.
Vin created belt buckles to prevent his waist from shooting lasers.
Vin Diesel is a popular fragrance of Calvin Klein, used by MI6 secret agents as both irresistable attractant and highly explosive base destroying chemical. It is made from Vin Diesel's farts.
Vin Diesel put the bomp in the bomp bah bomp bah bomp. He however did not put the ram in the rama lama ding dong.
Vin Diesel performed and sang the electronic-sounding music for the movie "Electric Dreams".
The comic book series "Sin City" is an autobiographical account of Vin Diesel's exploits in Overland Park, Kansas.
Due to the favorable exchange rate, a Vin Diesel in the hand is worth about 3.5 in the bush.
Similar to the gecko, Vin Dieselâs head can detach and wriggle to distract predators while he escapes.
He once challenged the bones of Bruce Lee to a fistfight, and lost.
Jesus was baptized by John the Baptist who was first baptized by Vin Diesel. Purposefully holding him underwater, Diesel didn't relent until John acknowledged the suppression of the Sacred Feminine in Hebrew mysticism. He then crashed the Garden of Eden where he ghosted Adam and wore the Serpent as a retro-cool pimp belt. Afterwards, he renamed all the animals species using only anagrams of the letters G, A and R. He later pitched to Jesus a remake of "Guys and Dolls" with the Archangel Michael as Nathan Detroit and Satan as Big Jule. Vin Diesel and Jesus composed the song "Convoy" to pad out the third act.
Vin Diesel single handedly built the pyramids. He isn't vain, so he let the egyptians take the credit.
Vin Diesel has been known to make women have orgasms just by growling at them.
Highly respected film critic Jonathon Rosenbaum believes The Fast and the Furious is the greatest film of the last three decades, and bemoans the public's ignorance in recognising its epic power.
Vin Diesel will kill me in my sleep for my lack of writing ability at creating facts. However, he will make sure that I am awake for the skull @#%$. His company guarantees it, or Vin Diesel will personally restore your soul and re-murder you, free of charge
Stalin and Vin Diesel was once very good friends, but the friendship tragically ended during a dispute over a word in the game scrabble.
Vin Diesel created Furby, Razor scooters, and pogs.
"Vin Diesel" is the second most common name in Hawaii. The most common is "Fromage Ammonia".
Vin Diesel invented Snapple.
Vin Diesel is the owner of the largest Merkin collection in the free world.
His blood is a thick beef gravy.
Contrary to popular belief, Osama bin Laden was captured in late 2002. This occured when Vin Diesel defeated all of al-Qaeda in a series of arm-wrestling contests. To make it fair, Vin was blindfolded.
He doesn't actually walk anywhere, rather his feet hover a millimeter off the ground.
The final digit of Pi is Vin Diesel.
Vin Diesel is an important part of the "carbon cycle"
While back in time, he had sex with a woman for the hell of it. The result was a baby named Marion Michael Morrison.
Vin Diesel had a blood transfusion using synthetic motor oil.
Vin Diesel killed a man in Reno, just to watch him die. Then he resurrected him and said that he was sorry, because Vin Diesel is selfconsciously polite.
Vin Diesel routinely sends nail bombs to the head of the Food and Drug Administration. No one is sure why.
Vin Diesel could eat broken shards of glass for breakfast if he wanted to. However, he doesn't, because he prefers to drink molten lava.
Vin Diesel crossed the Delaware with Washington.
Vin Diesel has a baseball cap made entirely out of ham.
Vin Diesel loves lamp.
I once witnessed Vin Diesel take the life out of a goat utilizing only the enzymes found in seaweed. Following this, Vin skinned the goat, made a hot air balloon out of the skin, ballooned to Sri Lanka, where upon which he made love to the French Presidents wife. After the love making, they feasted on the goat carcass. Vin was still blinded by hunger after the goat, so he ate the Presidents wife as well.
Upon being nailed to a cross, Vin is quoted as saying, "If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you could possibly imagine."
His ribcage is coated in ceramic.
When feeling ill, Vin Diesel has been known to cough up a hunk of kryptonite.
Vin Diesel controls all air traffic via an old SNES Advantage controller.
Vin Diesel is neither heterosexual nor homosexual. He is only sexually attracted to blue light.
Unbeknownst to many, Vin Diesel actually invented walking. "I'm glad it caught on," says the humble star.
Vin Diesel is a material girl. Living in a material world.
The Great Wall of China is the same length as Vin Diesel's penis. It also keeps out Mongolians.
Vin Diesel is actually Luke's father.
Vin Diesel needs no cell phone because he communicates via telepathic progeny. Which also gets good Talk2Talk service.
Vin Diesel was once part of the varangian guard of the Byzantine emperor, but he left to focus on his acting career, causing the fall of Constantinople.
Vin Diesel will be remembered for his valor when the Venusians finally invade the Earth.
Vin Diesel came on Eileen.
The song "Mr. Bojangles" is about Vin Diesel.
Vin Diesel stole Christmas and blamed it on the Grinch.
COQ AU VIN DIESEL
1 chicken, cut up
1 tbsp. butter mixed with 1 tbsp. flour
Salt and pepper
1 cup vodka
1 can whoop-ass
1 clove garlic, minced
1/4 lb. butter
Parsley, chopped
2 oz. diesel fuel
10 sm. white onions
Bouquet Garni: parsley, thyme, bay leaf
the trace amounts of funk found in the Earth's stratosphere.
Vin Diesel implores you to remember the Alamo, because he would rather forget that night.
Diesel Diesel Diesel, Diesel Diesel Diesel. Diesel Diesel "Diesel Diesel," Diesel Diesel death.
The popular marshmallow candy "Peeps" is actually made from Vin Diesel's congealed digestive fluids.
Vin Diesel drives a Dodge Stratus
Vin Diesel buys his clothes at the toilet store.
Rosie O'Donnell is actually Vin Diesel in a fat suit.
During the dark ages, Vin Diesel narrowly avoided being burned at the stake by building a bridge out of five witches.
He is made up of smaller, slightly more British Vin Diesels.
Vin Diesel was created by/ the head researcher for the Manhattan project.
Vin Diesel is actually a Diesel truck. He runs on the tears of those who he has sacrificed to Bakur, the god of Diesel trucks.
Vin Diesel farted near Hindenburg airship, and the rest is history.
Vin Diesel will always exist as long as there is hatred in the hearts of men.
Vin Diesel ironically created the steam engine; the diesel engine was accredited to his son, Abe Lincoln the third.
Despite rumors, Vin Diesel is not gay, but his presence often causes lesser men to spontaneously transform into sexy women who forget everything about their former lives, which he then has sex with.
Vin Diesel actually wrote the Terminator as an expression of the inner-struggle within himself. This form of expression was suggested by his pyschiatrist: Vin Diesel.
Vin Diesel drinks a gallon of Jolt each hour on the hour.
Vin Diesel is the father of MC Chris.
When Vin Diesel coughs, people in a three foot radius lose their memories of who they are and where they are going.
Vin Diesel is widely known in competitive gardening circles for his prize-winning beets.
The Chronicles of Riddick was intended as a condensed remake of the Ghostbuster's franchise.
Vin Diesel and Bob Sagget had a meeting of the body and soul; their offspring is now in the process of writing "The Matrix: The Untold Stories of a Sexual Revolution".
Vin Diesel has an evil twin who he converted to good, thus turning himself evil.
Vin Diesel is one of twelve men in the world with a license to hunt humans.
Every time he dies a new clone is taken out of the vats to replace him. Because they are like a newborn child, they are always bald. Were a clone to last more than three weeks it is theorised he would look exactly like a young Gene Hackman.
Vin Diesel sells real estate in Shanghai, China.
Vin Diesel was in India one day 2500 years ago and found some guy meditating under his favorite tree. Vin explained the nature of reality, karma and reincarnation to the man, who gained total enlightenment as a result. Then Vin said "Now get the @#%$ away from my tree."
Vin Diesel has racked up over nine billion Flawless Victories in Mortal Kombat. Not as a character, he went into the game itself.
Vin Diesel invented "Just for Men" hair dye when attempting to make a low-priced substitute for crystal meth. He received a mere pittance for the recipe.
Vin Diesel has to swallow rocks to assist in digestion, since he simply has no time to chew his food. He usually quenches his thirst with Molotov Cocktails.
Vin Diesel made a cameo appearance in Surf Ninjas -- however, his scene was subsequently cut out after he punctured Ernie Reyes Jr.'s throat with a golden umbrella.
He is the other two-fifths.
Vin Diesel wanted a nipple ring but his skin was unable to be penetrated by the tattooist's needle.
Vin Diesel climbed to the top of Mount Olympus and killed Zeus with his bare hands. He carries Zeus' soul in a vial made from the frozen tears of Athena.
Leap years are caused by Vin Diesel holding the earth back from rotating.
When told there was a random fact site about him, Vin Diesel smiled, laughed a bit, then ascended into the sky, kinda like Jesus but better.
Vin Diesel is the only known entity to whom causality does not apply.
Vin Diesel once challenged Moses to an arm-wrestling match and won. In fury, Moses killed all the first born sons of Egypt and took his people into the desert for 40 years.
Vin Diesel is a registered trademark of the Pepsi Corporation.
Vin Diesel stays crunchy in milk for up to 72 hours. Then he explodes.
He loves the gecko from the Geico ads, but hates the Aflac duck.
The 13th and final symbol of the zodiac is Vin Diesel.
Vin Diesel framed OJ and Roger Rabbit.
Once got in a car accident and had to chew his way out of the burning vehicle
Vin Diesel was grown in a lab from DNA samples of all four members of ABBA.
Vin Diesel invented biodiversity in the year 1993 because he thought 400 species of ants just wasn't good enough.
If one pulls really hard on Vin Diesel's left arm, his eyes begin rolling really quickly and he has a 50% chance of vomiting assorted coins. He hates it when people do this to him.
Every Friday at midnight he tapes cheese graters to his forearms and pretends that he's Master Shreder. He then proceeds to play "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" in his front yard until dawn.
Vin once seduced the Statue of Liberty, but her career got in the way of a lasting relationship.
Vin Diesel will die if he ever comes into contact with cheese.
Vin Diesel once destroyed a Catholic orphanage after a nun neglected to put "The" before his name when addressing him.
Vin Diesel does not need a TV remote, for he can control any television in a 50 mile radius with his right eye.
Vin Diesel can be linked to Kevin Bacon in 0 degrees, despite not being Kevin Bacon.
Ironically enough, he created the temporal paradox that threatens his own existence.
There were originally only 23 letters in the alphabet but Vin does not like that number so he invented G, P, and W. He also changed the way the letter Y was first pronounced.
He wears heavy coats when he's hot and strips naked when he's cold.
Being murdered by Vin Diesel is the only way to enter Valhalla.
Vin Diesel is highly allergic to prime numbers.
Vin Diesel invented trees.
Vin Diesel's tears can burn through steel.
Vin Diesel dyslexia from suffers.
Vin Diesel is the Holy Grail.
Vin Diesel was born at ground zero of the Trinity site, where the world's first atomic bomb was detonated. Upon his birth, he was quoted as saying "I am become death, destroyer of worlds."
It is said the world became round, once Vin Diesel stood at the edge.
Vin Diesel invented the "Vin Diesel Burn-Them-Motherfuckers Grill". It barely sold anything and was quickly taken off of the market.
Three weeks later George Foreman copied the same design and made millions off of it.
Vin Diesel once attached roller skates to his knees, then drank a 50 gallon drum of nitromethane fuel and farted out a 50' long jet flame, propelling him down the 1/4 mile drag strip to an astounding ET of 0.0000001 @ 669600000.01 MPH, exceeding the speed of light and creating a rift in space which devoured all life within a 100 mile radius.
Vin Diesel once ran out of alcohol, and tried drinking gasoline instead. He found it so delicious he singlehandedly caused the gas shortage of 1974.
Richard Wagner wrote several of his operas about the life of Vin Diesel, most notably The Diesel Motor-Cycle and The Dieseldammerung.
Consuming 8 ounces of Vin Diesel per day lowers your cholesterol, and has enough antioxidants to help prevent cancer.
If Vin Diesel hears you refer to a "water fountain" as a "bubbler", he will execute you on the spot.
Vin Diesel is credited with the phrase "revenge is a dish best served cold" when he physically manifested the idea of revenge into a dinner plate, froze it, and then beat his enemy to death with it.
Mozart used Vin Diesel's left earlobe as his inspiration for "Piano Concerto No. 21 In C", which was also written during the period of Vin's life where he spent his days bathing in volcanoes.
Vin Diesel knows why we really like Apple Jacks even though they don't taste like apples.
Vin Diesel just flew in from New York and boy are his arms tired.
He invented Dutch Process Cocoa.
Only about a thousandth of Vin Diesel's mass is expressed in the three dimensions we can perceive.
God and Vin Diesel once made a bet for the souls of all mankind. The challenge was to see who could eat the most chicken pot pies in 60 seconds, which Vin Diesel won by 3 pies. He still hasn't decided what to do with the all souls.
Vin Diesel's first name is short for Vinnaquinouliciopoulossiferstein. It is a traditional Swiss name.
Working as a forklift operator in 1995, Vin Diesel ran over and killed the original Johnny Appleseed.
Vin Diesel may or may not be a freight train.
He spends at least 15 hours a week volunteering at Nursing Homes and churches, and is a well-respected knitter. He can knit a sweater with matching gloves and a scarf in under 20 minutes.
Vin Diesel's taste buds are located on his knuckles. Funnily enough, that same spot is his biggest erogenous zone. It is probable that Vin Diesel engineered such deformities himself so as to simultaneously have an orgasm and taste corn when he punches taxidermists.
Vin Diesel can only achieve climax by killing a whore.
While in stealth mode he is only detectable by the smell of freshly mown grass he gives off at all times.
Is in fact also 4 other people: Bill Gates, George Lucas, Julian Clary and Barry manilow.
Vin Diesel is the gatekeeper to the Apocalypse. He is also the gatekeeper to the trash bin behind the Denny's on 4th Street in Boulder Colorado. Both of these are listed on his resume.
Vin Diesel's penis is so long and thick, it is daily mistaken for a leg. He lost his left leg in a freak pizza eating contest accident, but was able to successfully disguise the loss by using his penis as a prosthetic.
Vin Diesel works as a camera man on "The Red Green Show."
Vin Diesel has an empty pickle jar collection.
Vin Diesel is the father of David Bowie, whom he sired in an attempt to have sex with the planet mars.
Vin Diesel killed Harry Houdini by punching him in the stomach.
Vin Diesel stole my lunch money.
After a loud and at lengthy argument with Bob Barker at a late-night Hollywood eatery, Vin Diesel has become a strident opponent of pet birth control, ending every movie he stars in with a heartfelt plea to viewers to "Let your cats and dogs @#%$ all they want!"
Vin Diesel eats glass for the pure exhilaration.
Vin Diesel has been known to make rocks cry and willows weep with his lyre.
Every new Coke can design must be pre-approved by Vin Diesel.
Vin Diesel single-handedly caused the hyper-inflation of Weimar Germany during the interwar years by intercepting most incoming foreign capital from his hidden Bavarian redoubt to support his penchant for swimming in enormous vats of cold, hard cash.
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